Retreat To The Fallout Shelter

I’m a tough and resilient soul, even after
such a bombshell has been dropped upon me.
So for now I retreat into the bunker to weather the storm in life in
the way I always have done.
Music has been there for me no matter what, or more like The Ghost has
been there
no matter what. To have that malevolent being inside your head support
you when it counts makes you wonder. So back to the tones, after
exploring several ways of making music it has come back to the same
basic principle. I’m jealous of other people who can plan, have ideas,
I have none.
I pick the sounds from the way they make me FEEL, and the beats for the
same, the bassline, (if there is one) everything.
Now I understand this better it stops me from trying to do it like
others do.
If I look back all the best tracks are all about feel, and not about
thought.
I went through a period of thinking too much, and the tracks suffered,
and I wrote a lot less.
I worry now about not writing enough, and it’s fear of not being able
to do it anymore that does that.That’s just the fact that the mind is blank with no ideas, the sounds
lead the way not me.
Yet every time I let them speak the way they want I come up with
something.

Back to the Retreat into the Bunker. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m
just meant to sacrifice my whole life for this. No matter what i try or
do, it seems like I’m not meant to change the course of it. That only
tells me that this must be more important than just me.
Maybe it’s about bringing real music again to peoples ears and having
an impact on their lives,
that is the price that someone has decided I must pay.

I fought this for many years, even tried to quit once, but like a
cancer it comes crawling back into your veins. It will never ever leave
you so you may as well give into it.
But now with a broken acceptance I just realize that for the greater
good way beyond myself,
this is what my life is for. Maybe the 2.4 kids, family etc will never
come my way.
I accept this now and I sort of see myself in the future, years from
now, old and grey.
That the pleasure I brought to people by giving them music with real
soul, was the family I
never had. That makes me feel happy and brings a tear to my eye.

I accept this now, and whatever else fate may give me, I have to accept
that too.
You’ll have to excuse me I have a mission to complete….

Paul Bishop
The Ghost That Walks